9/21/2006
For what it’s worth!
American Soldier says,
As of late I have often reflected on the past year events. It was a year ago that I had returned from the relief efforts for Katrina. I was dealing with some things that would steer me towards volunteering for Iraq. To be quite honest life had taken a different direction. I had a book deal, my career was very solid. Externally it would appear that life was good. However I was dealing with some things that really influenced me to go to war. I wanted to experience that aspect. I wanted it in my life.
So it was a matter of time before I found myself training up and heading out. I wished I could have documented it more but it was my experience and mine to endure if that makes any sense. I quickly withdrew from posting my daily activities because simply put I didn’t have the time to do it. When I got to Iraq it was balls to the walls from the start.
I remember my first mission and the intensity I felt within. Every time I left the wire I knew I could possibly not come back. It went from stressful to exhilarating. I lived for mission. I would sometimes volunteer to go out on dual missions. Being a sniper for 12 hours then transitioning to being a soldier on patrol. People in my unit thought I was fucking stupid. I didn’t care really. My fate was my fate and if I were to perish in Iraq then that was the place. I wore myself out. Doing dual missions cost me sleep and the ability to document the trip. It granted me the experience I wanted.
It was no longer what is AS doing in Iraq. It was surviving! Why would I do this? I didn’t have a logical answer. Why would I go and willingly do a battle assessment of a cache of rockets and bombs? Literally going over and checking on the status of those munitions with the possibility of being blown the fuck up? I don’t regret anything I did but I certainly wasn’t worried about being blown up. Some soldiers thought I was careless in some situations. I look at it like I was willing to do shit that others wouldn’t do.
It was my time to experience this war. I was not going to cower to nothing!
The day I got blown the fuck up I was doing my typical duty. Patrolling the streets and waiting to get hit. My crew had the daunting task of going into the city limits and looking for IED’s. This process included going down roads with walls on either side, typical kill zones. We would take corners with piles of shit mounted on either side. Were there IED’s in there? Fuck lets find out!! Going in on alternating routes so the enemy wouldn’t figure out our pattern and ambush us. Most days we got those fuckers setting up on us. Somedays they got us and we would fight for our lives.
I hated this mission to be honest. Every time I would prepare for a mission I would think man is this going to be it? I would look at my guys and hope I didn’t have to see their dying face. I had to lead them into hell and I had to be the strong one. Man it fucking sucked knowing that I was just leading them into a mission that would/could end their lives. I knew it was a matter of time before I would get hit. I would sit in my bed when I had the chance to sleep and wonder how it would play out. I hoped that I wouldn’t feel it. I didn’t want to suffer when it happened or my soldiers for that matter. This was my mindset. Mentally preparing for my own demise. Some days I would go to the chow hall and get food thinking this was probably the last meal I was going to have. I just had different feelings. Typically on those nights someone was getting killed, shot or near missed. It was weird, it’s like I knew some things were going to happen. Call it intuition but I hated it.
I look back at it now and I knew it was by luck or some fucking weird fate that I got out of there. Some of the shit that happened over there amazes me now. I was looking through some of the casualty reports and it feels weird to see my name on an OIF Wounded list. That could have very well been a KIA listing. It is all too surreal for me.
Where do I go from here? I am really trying to get back on the straight and narrow but its tough man. There are days like today that I just want to go back. I do miss the brotherhood I shared with my guys. I don’t get what I need with this one weakened a month shit. Fuck that! Besides, I despise my unit that I am in. I cannot relate to any of them. They haven’t been where I was and didn’t do the type of job I did.
I have had thoughts of hanging up the civilian career and going back fulltime. However my wife would probably not like that too much. I would not be able to maintain my level of income so my house would go, car, etc, etc. Is it worth it? Some days I think it is.
It has been six years since I have been a fulltime soldier. I have done my title 10 stints hear and there but nothing compares to it. It is the happiness that I have realized that I need.
So what is this point about? I really have no clue. So today I just put my brain on write mode and didn’t care what I wrote. So here you go.
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21 Responses to “For what it’s worth!”
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Hey man. I don’t know if these comments are any help to you or not but I hope you are doing ok and that things will work out for you, no matter what direction you take. Thanks.
A wife’s point of view (my hubby was Navy back in the “cold war” days)….
Would she like it? Probably not. Would she understand it? Possibly not. But a true American military wife knows that her sacrifice for the freedom of the country- now and in the future - stands to be at least, if not more, painful than that of her soldier. And she stands up strong when the battle smoke clears, and regardless of whether he is there, whole, injured, or gone, she proudly says, “I loved a soldier, and let him be the soldier God created him to be.” Then she wipes her tears - tears of pride and pain - and carrys on, forever loving that soldier in the deepest places of her aching heart.
Web Reconnaissance for 09/22/2006
A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention.
No profound words of wisdom here… but I can say - thank you for this post, thank you for letting us into your world and your thoughts. I am reminded once again of the great sacrifices our military makes on our behalf… and I thank you - and your family - for all you have done and continue to do.
We still pray for you daily, and will keep on praying.
We appreciate you, and are proud of you.
Your wife will be mad. She may even yell. She will cry. And she won’t understand why. But in the end, because she so clearly loves you, she will support you. She’ll stand by you, even through the tears.
Thank you, truly, for going and doing what so few are willing to do.
This is truly an answer to my prayer for you this week. You and your family came to my mind yesterday and I prayed that God would guide, strengthen, and help you come to terms with whatever happened to you. I see He is doing just that. To terms with what happened and giving you direction for the future.
Thank you Lord! You and yours are still in my prayers. It was very comforting knowing you could write what you did.
Hey AS. (It has been awhile since I have wrote a comment hasn’t it.)
I am so very proud of you and your family. Your a Strong American, I feel blessed getting to read your words. I adore your commitment to Our Country and the desire you have to Protect It. THANK YOU for everything you have and continue to do on “MY” behalf.
You do what is best for you and your family, I know it will be the correct desission. I will continue to pray for you and yours.
Thank you again AS. Your a Beautiful Soul
AS - until the last few months I really wouldn’t have been able to relate to what Mrs. AS may have to endure with your chosen Army career but to a small extent I do now. It’s not an easy place to be for her. To choose safety and security vs your career happiness which could be moot since your career is so dangerous. Kind of between a rock and a hard place. My best thoughts and prayers to both of you.
AS, thanks for writing and letting us know what is going on in your life. For me, I am glad to see you posting this out, and not allowing it to ferment and build up in your life.
Many may not totally understand what is going on, but thanks for writting.
AS,
Thanks for writing and letting us know how you feel. I can’t imagine the things that you must have gone through over there and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for serving so well. You are one of a kind!
Many will go and do what they have to do but many won’t volunteer like you did for duty that you knew others wouldn’t want to do. You are truly an American hero. You’re what this country needs more of, dedication for the cause of freedom….thank you!
I just pray that in the days ahead that you will make the right decisions for your life and for your family’s lives as well. You are in my prayers as well as Mrs. AS and kids! God Bless you all!!
Hi AS,
It is funny I also have said a few prayers for you and your family the last few Sundays and now am glad to see you are still around.
Good luck in whatever path you take, I for one will never forget the sacrifices you and your family have made.
Thank-You again.
AS, I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, but don’t comment much because anything I have to say has already been written many times over!!
But this post verified something I have been wondering for a while now. And that is, what a soldier really thinks in his private thoughts after he has reassured his wife, kids, family etc. that everything will be fine and that he will return home in however many months (you know, ‘that’ talk). Thanks for helping us understand a soldier a little bit better.
I suppose all the things you’ve been feeling lately is what drives a man to be a soldier. Without that drive, I suppose many would not serve! Thank you for being you. And thank you for serving our country so well.
We’ll keep you in our prayers, especially as you decide what path to take. What ever path you choose should lead you to that which is most important in your life.
The last sentence written by Seaurchin is really the key to your decession. Choices, how lucky we are to have them, how terrably confusing they can be to those of us who are faced with them. We pray for you and family, life is not easy to live when we are pulled in opposite directions.
This is one of those “Damn, I wish I had a crystal ball” situations, so that you could see the outcome of either decision. I know that you will take your wife and children into consideration no matter what decision you make, and your wife knows that.
You are a Soldier, a husband, a father, and so many other things. Sometimes it’s hard meshing them together into one person.
No matter where life takes you, just remember who loves you, and why.
Which you compare us to blowing up yourselves and the Iraq people. Makes sense in the name of AAAA-lahhhhh AAAAk-Barrrrre
Hello Day Kay
The cold War Era!!! I was a conscript in the old SADF ( South African Army ) during the Angolan war way back in the 1980,s Considering the countries involved ie Cuba, The Soviet Union, China, The United States and South Africa and the magnitude of operations conducted by the South African Armed Forces in that country in preventing a large scale Communist takeover of all the Countries in the Southern African Region except for Rhodesia now Zimbabwe which fell to Communism due to reasons too politically charged to mention here.
All I can say is I hope to God that my children never have to see a war and personally I hope that I never see one again for reasons obvious to many a soldier who has seen combat I lost my self respect and above all had my wife left me. Luckily for me I am engaged to a wonderful woman who knows my backround and understands why I am what I am.
Regards Brett
hey, lifes an experience of its own, i hope that u will make the right decision. its not easy watching someone u love go over there, i know, my family is marine and army, i just ask that u take ur family into consideration… Thanx for doin wat u did…
not matter where you go or wat u experience, i bet u will alwayz have a family to come back to u…
Surfing around and landed here. Remember when,,,I spent 22 months in viet nam, helicpter crew chief/door gunner. I had many of the same thoughts when I came home. I extended my tour, could’nt see state side duty. The adreladin, the noise, the colors, the smells. Jet fuel, tracers, flares, air bursts, helicopter sounds, constant low level flight,hot brass. Where else can you get this ? What if I get shot, or crash? The attitude was, if it is my time, then it is my time. Ninteen and invensable, did foolish things. Saw alot. People tell you to forget. No way, how can you? Just forget? Took me thirty years, alot of drugs, and way too much alcohol, 6, 7, 8 ?detoxes. People that wer’nt there don’t know or understand, I found a group of combat verterns that were just like me. learnd how to deal with all of this.Spent some time in a PTSD ward at a V.A. hospital. It’s beeh 4 years stright and sober,All of my friends are vets, They have tought me frendship, trust and how to deal with every day life. I don’t need the anger, drugs or drink, Right now every thing has turnd 180 degrees. Life is good, my family life is the best ever. Try to find a ptsd group, our motto is vets helping vets. no one else will, band of brothers and all that. Your not alone. I wish you the best and thank you for your service.
AS, I know EXACTLY what you mean!
Keep the faith, brother!
WOW! finaly found a blog that realy interests me. There is so much crap to decipher when reading some blogs out there. Thank you your posts here and thank you for your service to our country.
I can see you have quite a few pulling for you well, you can add me and my family to that list now. I will be returning and reading as often as I can. Matter of fact I’m going to spotlight this site on my message board so that othrs can check it out as well
John, this is the first time I have surfed this far back on this site and you may or may not ever read this. I want to congratulate you on your recovery. I just spent a year in a light infantry unit so I did not have the experiences you did. WE all deal as we can. I found a different road but now I am doing something about which I have dreamed for some time. I am publishing a book I wrote called Vietnam in Verse (poetry for beer drinkers) that will be out in about 8 weeks. I tell my story as well as others. There were 8 million of us. There are that many stories.