12/4/2006
The decision you have to live with.
American Soldier says,
Up until today I didn’t think about it much. I was dropping my son off at school when I saw a tractor trailer that resembled one that really turn the tides for me in Iraq.
It was a particularly normal day on patrol. Just waiting for the enemy to attack us. We were weaving in and out of the city in inconsistent patterns looking for trouble. You felt like a worm on the end of a hook at times. Never the less, we embraced the moments when they grew the balls to actually shoot at us.
We were passing an intersection in our sector that resulted in many incidents for our unit. There were a few ING (Iraqi National Guard) vehicles stopped on it. I just looked at them and thought how stupid they were for being such an easy target. They were dismounted and just hanging out. Standing around smoking and joking. At the time we were allowing the ING more space in our sector. After all it’s their country and we were slowly giving them more territory to patrol with each passing day.
I had my driver go down a few streets and turn back around. I knew there was an embedded Soldier or Marine with that gaggle fuck. So I wanted to let him know that this road was a bad place to just stop and dismount. We were coming up on their vehicles when a shot rang out. The sound of .50 cal & 240B gun fire ensued. We must have been within 200 meters of them and one of the gunners traversed toward my vehicle and actually fired a few rounds our way. Those crazy bastards shoot at anything that moves sometimes.
My driver crosses over the road. I point to a vehicle and tell him to go there. I elbow my gunner to fire but he is already on it. As we got closer I could see someone down. The gunner who shot at us ducked back down in the turret into his vehicle. I thought he might have been shot too. Instead he was just cowering in his vehicle.
My vehicle came to a halt and I now see the embedded marine kneeling down to the man hit. I give my guys a sector of fire. I tell the medic with me to get out and follow me. For a moment I had tunnel vision. The ground below me sparking from rounds just missing me, the crack of the sound barrier being broken looming above me. Later my guys would tell me I looked like I was doing some Matrix moves between my vehicle and the down soldier. My focus at that point was to get to the down man and help him.
The soldier was between two vehicles. I looked at him and noticed it was an Iraqi. He was in bad shape. A sniper has shot him in the right cheek and the round came out the backside of his ear. He was making this monotone gurgle sound. I told the embedded Marine to load him in their vehicle and we’d escort them in. It took him a second to nod his head and agree with me; he looked like he was in shock. I tapped him and got his attention. He shook his head and asked what vehicle again. I told him his own.
My medic was working on him and I told him to get in their vehicle. I wish I never made that decision to this day. I ran back to my vehicle and told my driver to head back in. I called the incident up to my LT and he had them open the gate for our quick and fast arrival.
The vehicle carrying the patient drove past me. I look over and was like what the fuck? The fucking ING driver actually looked at me and waved. I could only imagine what I looked like. A hand set in my ear and the look of confusion. I told my driver to speed the fuck up so we could escort them in. Well we got to the cross over and had to yield to a tractor trailer that was barreling through. It was mid day and typically I would have had my gunner clear a path but there was way to much traffic and I didn’t want any of my guys to get hurt. So we slowed to let the tractor trailer pass and then drove on. The vehicle holding the Iraqi got to the check point before us. We caught up to them and were right behind them. We were approaching the turn off to head to our BAS (Battalion Aid Station, but the vehicle kept going straight. We had no radio contact with them and the way they were going was wrong. I’m thinking man this guy has been shot in the fucking head and that stupid fuck doesn’t know where he is going. All I could do was follow this vehicle; we were going as fast as we could to catch them. The feeling of helplessness and anger racing through my head. What felt like an eternity was more like 5 minutes as we went down the outskirts of the FOB. Finally the driver turns around. My medic realized it was taking too long and told him to turn around.
I had my gunner wave to them and to sign for them to follow us. We finally get on the proper route and make it to the BAS. We rush in and there must have been like 6 or so medics right in front of us. We came to a halt and got out. One medic came up to us and was yelling at us because we were going to fast in their area. I told her to fuck off and to get a stretcher. She quickly retreated among the crowd. It was a horrific scene. My medic had blood all over him as well as me. We got the guy loaded in and we went back to our vehicles. Some Captain came out and asked us in a tactful manner if we could move out. They were expecting some other wounded to come in any moment. The Captain said I had blood on my face and handed me a damp cloth. I put the cloth on my face and held it there for a moment. I took a deep breath and the taste of sweat and penny’s was in my mouth from the blood. I pulled the clothed away and the image of my face within it. I stared at it for a moment. A weird feeling came over me as I looked at it. I shrug it off and got in my vehicle.
Later on we found out that the soldier died. I sat in my room that night and I kept replaying the situation in my head. The if, ands and buts where racing through my mind. I was really beating myself up because I made the decision to load the guy in another vehicle and not mine. Would it of made a difference if the other vehicle didn’t take the wrong route. I guess it didn’t matter anymore because I would never know. All I know is someone died under my watch. His death still sticks with me today.
Your decision’s in war is yours alone. The hardest part is being able to accept those decisions later on.
Filed under: General
20 Responses to “The decision you have to live with.”
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Sounds to me like you did a damn fine job for what you had to work with. Just know that you’re the kinda soldier, that any other would want to watch his six. Alot of men would probably buckle under that kind of pressure.
Keep it up, neo.
{{{hugs}}}
You’re a damn good soldier and don’t you ever forget it. If only there were more Soldiers like you.
Charlie Mike, HOOAH!
GSW’s to the head are hard to survive in any case, particularly with high-velocity projectiles (rifle rounds), and posterior fossa injuries. From your description, you could have shot him right in front of the neurosurgeon and it probably wouldn’t have made any difference.
Only worry about the stuff you can control.
Did a good job, not your fault.
Will Conway
FallingDominos.blogspot.com
AS,
You did all you could do and it wasn’t your fault that the Iraqi guy took a wrong turn. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you did all that was humanly possible to save the guy’s life!
If you felt you did your best, whats to accept? Correct mistakes and get better at the job, but really its war. So much is simply not in your control.
Any idea where all the rounds that were fired finally ended up ?
They obviously didn’t go in your ignorant head!
I make a wrong decision at work, someone might lose some money. Big wow.
You are an amazing man. Thank you for your service. It does you credit that you still care. I know you did all you could. God bless you.
AS,
TheNewGuy is right. There are some wounds that are fatal, and there is nothing you can do to intervene to save that life.
Many times over bloggers have said ‘When your time’s up, your time’s up.” His time was up. Yes he died while under your watch, but that doesn’t mean that you hold any responsibility.
Very powerful story. Thank you for sharing it.
As a medic I knew that what I could do was limited - it was important to do all I could, but some things were fate and the uncertainty of war. You did what you thought best at the time - that’s all anyone can do. Thanks for sharing.
Honor and Courage
Blackfoot Doc 2/8 Cav
First Cav Div (70-71)
I can’t describe what an impressive site you have. Its incredible. God bless you and all the troops. I hope the government remembers what it owes each of you.
man thats touching im 14 only 3 years and i can join you I Hope im half the soldier You demonstrated in this passage
AS,
He didn’t die on your watch… he died in a war, because his platoon leader made a bad decision by letting the guys hang out in the middle of the street. He died because the Iraqi driver was an idiot, and went the wrong way.
You… you and your team did EVERYTHING you could to save that man and ensure the safety of the rest of the guys around there.
Thank you.
AS, fate has a way of stepping and our decisions are just part of that process. Our times come regardless of all we humans try. You need not torture yourself but I understand why you do. Survivor’s guilt is part of that whole thing. I had it. I am not sure anyone who ever served in combat could avoid it when comrades die, or are even just get seriously wounded. My son, on his last stint in Afghanistan, was in the Indiana National Guard unit who had 4 men killed by a road mine. He had volunteered for every mission and his boss told him, on that fateful day, to stay behind. It was someone else’s turn. Three guys who worked for him and his boss were killed in the explosion. He feels as though he might have made a difference. He was the only one of the group who had prior experience and had been a regular GI for 10 years. I tried to tell him what I tell you now. He survived so he could teach others, just as he did his first trip. He is now a certified trainer. He will make a larger difference. That is no consolation but it is true that the results of that decision may make a difference to someone in his future. His unit is up for another rotation in ‘08, if not sooner. He is now a weapons platoon sgt. and is almost tabbed out. There are reasons for that in the scheme of things. You too will save someone, and perhaps more than just one. There is a purpose and it will be revealed. You have done a lot of good on your blog, so that may be the purpose.
I sometimes re-read old posts. “The Decision you have to live with” is one of my favorites because it makes me feel like I was there. It hurts my stomach and makes me cry but I read on. In reading this today I just felt compelled to write this to all American Soldiers past and present, whom I dearly love.
Guys and Gals, Where do I start? Thank you so much for all you do day and night. Thank you for living in the conditions you live in. Thank you for enduring the sights, smells and sounds of war that we as civilians can only imagine. Thank you for not eating right, going without sleep, enduring heat and cold, and making your tired body keep going. Thank you for wearing dirty clothes and going without showers and so many other things we take for granted. Thank you for the tears at night when you think about your families at home. Thank you for the worry lines in your tired but strong faces. Thank you for your time spent away from your church, family, job, friends and country. Thank you for risking and sometimes giving life and limb. Thank you for all the many sacrifices you make every moment of your day in the name of Freedom. Thank you for being the warrior that you are! Thank you for being brave and honorable. Thank you for being an American Soldier! May God bless each and every one of you and keep you safe. We love you and can’t wait for you all to come home!
Love,
Phyllis, An American Citizen
Phyllis, once again you have shared beautiful and special words. They could not have been said better. May God bless you because our guys hear far too much of the ugly stuff now, from the home front.