5/13/2007
The waiting room…
American Soldier says,
The words to this song mean a lot to me. The words go along with this experience. Minus the video. Play the video while you read. Someday I will explain this song and others like it.
The shiny tiled floor, reminiscent of the one I stared at a little over a year ago in another land. The bright lights and the annoying sound coming from an EKG machine. My brain feeling like it’s about to expand past the threshold of my skull. The pulsating pain that seemed to heighten with every heartbeat. I lay there wondering if this was the point in which things would slowly drift off into darkness. I have accepted my mortality and last night would have been a shitty death but we don’t really have that choice now do we? I close my eyes and think of things that make me happy. Trying to ignore the pain but it only lasts a few moments. A doctor comes in the room and talks to me. I am barely coherent and he begins to spout off like the teacher from Charlie Brown. My responses are grunts and subtle nods. My wife told him that I had a Traumatic Brain Injury. He gives me some anti-nausea medicine tab and puts it under my tongue. I’m on the verge of losing my lunch and this tab tastes like shit. He also gives me a valium to ease the tension. I’m thinking why in the fuck would I need a valium? My head is about to explode. I really don’t care at this point.
He asked me if I had little PTSD. I sort of chuckle. I asked him in return if he would have a little PTSD if he got blown up from an IED? He seemed a little dumbfounded. “Umm, well, I wouldn’t begin to understand.” He says. I think to myself that I ought to not be so combative with my words. My tongue can be as sharp as a sword at times. For now I just wanted the pain to go away. The increasing throbbing is making me fade away. I don’t know why they asked so many questions about my PTSD. I was in there because my brain was trying to vacate the premises. Not for some crazy minded response or episode. Maybe I was dreaming all of this. I really don’t know to be honest. My wife stayed with our children in the waiting room for most of the time I was there. She did come in and I barely remember her talking to me. I know I wasn’t making a lot of sense. I remember her asking me if I was alright. I told her in some form of gibberish that I was good, just a little fucked up. I don’t remember her leaving.
The doctor came in later to inform me he wanted me to go home for the night. I don’t know if it was because this emergency center had closed an hour before. Or maybe he felt he had miraculously cured me by giving me a myriad of drugs? I was still hurting, badly. I was in no shape to argue. I literally just picked myself up and walked out. My family still in the waiting area I stumbled out into the parking lot. My wife told me the nurses had informed her that I had left. The ride home was miserable. We finally got to our house and I made it to my bed. My wonderful wife got me a drink and the other drug they wanted me to take. I told her to just place it on the night stand.
Sleep consumes me…..
The rest of the night according to my wife, was a little scary. I literally stopped breathing several times during the night. Now I know what you are thinking, sleep apnea. I’m all over that, but my headache was worse than the pain I felt the day I got blown up. Something was really wrong. That bothers me. I write this tonight and I hope my visit to Walter Reed sheds some light to this brain condition. The headaches are getting more and more regular and painful.
Lights out is a scary thing when you have so much to live for.
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18 Responses to “The waiting room…”
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I didn’t think sleep apnea… I thought about… the mix can suppress breathing. But, oddly enough, relentless pain and not sleeping can suppress the want to breathe, so….
(hugs) as always - thank you for letting us into your world. We never stop praying for you….
Prayers are coming your way. Thank you for sharing your world with us.
You and your family are in my prayers always. Always…
You may be having what is called petit mal seizures. They are not epileptic in nature, more like misfiring neurons in the brain. Mine always came with intense migraines that would put me in bed for 2-3 days. Anti-siezure and migraine medicine can help. And they will go away as the brain heals.
Mac,
You know my thoughts exactly. I am not seizing, but my brain just shuts down. It isn’t exactly a migraine, but a mix of both. They have been consistent since my injury and have peaked out in consistency as of late.
If that is in fact the case, you may want to ask about taking a low dosage of an antiseizure medication like Neurontin, Depakote, or Topamax on a daily basis as a migraine preventative.
Ergotamine tartrate (Cafergot) may work for you during the migraine (?) attack as it also helps control nausea. It is available as a nasal spray if you are unable to keep anything down.
The second year was the hardest for me. Thankfully I don’t remember much. Get as much sleep as you can, the brain repairs itself during down time. Talk to your Neurologist, it will take some trial and error but Topamax might help. I went through Amerge, Imitrex, Inderal and Zomig before I found Axert and Relpax that worked the best. This is the best program in the Washington D.C. area: http://www.inova.com/inovapublic.srt/rehabilitation/bridge.jsp
I wish I had something more than good wishes to send to you, but it’s all I’ve got.
AS and Mac, I have seizures, both types, Grand Mal and Petit Mal with a whole host of neurological “extras”. I am epileptic with TBI. Epilepsy is a family of disorders, not a disease. The difference is very complex and I am no way qualified. If you care about your natural family and extended family, if you are in the military and care about your unit, please consider. The military has a neat way of putting this into perspective. They say, “Your soul might be God’s, but your ass is U.S. Government property, TAKE CARE OF IT!” Therefore, you might want to get yourself to your doctor or neurologist for the proper tests. The next steps will actually be determined by the disorder and your body’s response to it. There are many things which you do not consciously think about, but your brain does. Be ready to deployed to a new patch of woods and find you own “lesser traveled path”. The important thing is this, this is your path. God Speed, my Friends-
Grumpy
This happens sans the head pain, every time I take any kind of strong pain med. Pecocet, vicodin, any of them. My body relaxes so much, it forgets to breathe.
Hang in there.. you’re absolutely right.. you have so much to live for.
AG
Haunting song…thank you for sharing…prayers for you and yours continue…I also echo the sentiment above…you do have much to live for…God Bless and keep you.
AS,
I just want to say that I am praying for you that you will soon be well again! Those headaches and problems are the pits but we have a loving God who can fix anything!! God Bless You and yours!!
Yikes…. drug cocktails and sleep aren’t always the best combination- especially when prescribed by a doctor who just doesn’t get it, apparently.
Hopefully the doc’s at WR can figure this out for you, AS. Headaches, are, well.. a real pain. And scary as shit. I’ve had MRI’s a couple of times now for headaches because I have a family history of brain tumors. Not fun. Not fun at all.
Please keep us informed, ok?
When I was stationed at Ft. Ord many years ago, I met a WWII vet who’d served as a liaison to the Chinese resistance and caught some Japanese shrapnel in his head. He had extremely severe migraines from that and the only thing that would touch them was hypnosis — he eventually became a California state-certified hypnotist to cope as the only drugs that’d help in those days were extremely addictive or dangerous themselves. You might try someone in the DC area next time you’re at WR.
Good luck and God bless.
Angel prayers for you! Take care.
As a person who used to suffer from frequent debilitating migraines I know how they can completely disrupt your whole life. But be careful. Some painkillers can actually be responsible for making migraines a whole lot worse. This was the case with me.
My doctor prescribed me Inderal and it did the trick. I don’t have migraines near as often as I did and when I do have them, they are easier to get rid of. I strongly urge you to ask your doctor about something like that.
Hugs and Prayers. Hope you feel better soon.
I have been were you are my friend. I will pray for you and your family. HM1 Desert Storm VET 1 ( sad that I have to but 1 after it how many more war will there be there. I am still there fighting. It never leaves us….. God Bless you.