Not AWOL!

I have been fully immersed in a very important project. It has many things to do with military members. I’ve neglected to post stories for a long time. Partly because I’ve had to endure some things on my own, also this new project. I will say that the Soldierlife site has opened many opportunities and has allowed me to meet some great people. For that would not be possible without the Milblog ring. Something that I am proud to be a part of. I am happy that this site has received worldwide coverage and visitors.

So I want to ask the readership what they think now? It seems that milblogs, unless you become a political or strict military orientated site has a certain life span. It just seems that way. What would you like to get from this site? Would you be interested in my new project? Where oh where should this site go.

You let me know.

EDIT: 300+ hits at the time of this edit and I’ve received 0 emails and 1 comment. I really want to hear your feedback.

AS

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General

I’ve been pondering this thought but Matty ‘o Blackfive beat me to the punch. Although I’d like to wish that I could win the Weblog Awards, there is a person whom I feel is very worthy of the award. I support him and his mission to get the truth out. I am very appreciative to be selected as a finalist and thank everyone who voted for me. I ask you support this effort as best you can.

Go vote for Michael Yon. When you are done, click his site and catch up on some fine reading.

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General

If you happen to pass by my site, please click the above link and vote for yours truly or anyone for that matter. There are some great people who are a part of the finalist. Vote every 24 hours. Tell all your friends at work, have the entire building click the link.

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General

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I don’t know where to begin as far as catching up. I’ve been in a rut and really I don’t know how to get out of it. Lately I’ve had some consistent thoughts of the war. None are happy or even proud moments. When I first got back I tried to make sense of a lot of things and create a story about my experiences. In retrospect I can say that my optimism was sometimes masked by trying to make light of my situation. I wanted to just feel normal again. What is normal after all? My experience was my own and others may feel it wasn’t enough. I can neither agree nor concede that mindset. All I know is it is still here with me today.

The thoughts as of late are like mini clips from a movie. The images of smashing a door down and seeing the utter terror on peoples faces. The one Marine interpreter and the look on his face with an entry wound to the cheek and this massive exit wound to the back of head. That look haunts me. The night an Iraqi snuck up on an OP and was shot to shit. His intestines hanging out and the mumbling of words that I will never know what they meant. I could go on. The thoughts are eating at me. I try to put them out but they come back and replay in my head. I’ve tried talking to people about it, tried to write about it but it never leaves.

I often wish I was back in Iraq. Right where it all started. I often find myself scouring the internet for movie clips of my old AO. I fear that I will see the clip that nearly took mine and my soldier’s lives.

So this brings me back to why I stopped writing. There are people who don’t give a shit about what is going on over there. This site isn’t a story book to live vicarious in. These words are my experience and not a place where I need to write for anyone. I felt as if I was writing for an audience rather than just venting my emotions.

Another thing is it’s always a question of justification. It enrages me. I’ve spoken to people and once they know that I went to Iraq, they want to gauge my opinion and stance on it. I can feel their challenge and I try to make light of the situation. I am not the one who decided to send troops there. However, I will defend the cause in which I fought and nearly died for while over there. I just feel that this story that I began so long ago has nearly run its course. I don’t know what else I can say about it.

War is a motherfucker!

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General

Today I was reading a book that brought back some memories of Husbands deployment.

It was talking about soldiers going to the showers after an explosion near the base had woken everyone up. I remember AS telling me how he would shower every few days. I would joke with him about how gross that sounded. And he would assure me he was using extra deodorant in between those days.

Or the times when we got to see each other on vid cam. I would watch him pack his gear before a mission. Or unpack afterwards. I remember seeing his room behind him- the snacks sent from home, the cards from the kids. How I felt so lonely without him. And how he must feel without us. I remember watching him go to sleep on numerous occasions. It was nice to see him slip into bed, pull up the covers, blow me a kiss for night, and fall asleep. It made me feel closer to him. After that I would go back to bed knowing he was in the same place as me.

Or one night I was talking to him and all I could hear in the background was gun fire. And then the phone went dead. He called me back to say things were not so quiet that night. I remember wondering how anyone could sleep through all of that.

Then there was the time he said he really wanted me to send him his favortie- scoops and salsa. So I did. But by the time it got there the box had been dropped and the salsa jar cracked. He said it was wet and smelled of salsa. But he was glad that I at least tried to get it to him.

And everyone now and again I will hear songs that make me think of his being gone. There’s one by Rascal Flats, “What hurts the most”. That one never fails to bring me to the verge of tears.

It’s amazing that it’s been a year and a half since he’s been home and I can still be brought to tears thinking about him being gone. And the small things that make me remember what it was like while he was gone.

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General